104.7

My poor husband has been on his death bed with a nasty virus for the past 6 days. He has had a fever non-stop for the entire duration which has reached as high as 104.7 degrees which is just around the point of bodily injury and hospitalization. He has not moved from the couch except to pee for the whole week and has not had the strength to bathe in at least 2 days. He can only summon up enough energy to eat once a day, if I force him to. He is too sick to form sentences and take medicine by himself. He is not allowed to touch the baby, which is breaking his heart. He has never been this sick in his entire life. It's awful... truly awful.

I called Valley Childrens Hospital to get their pre-MRI instructions and they told me that Keira couldn't have a bottle after midnight, when the last person I talked to said nothing after 8 hours before her appointment which would have meant she could have a bottle at 4 am. I told them there is no way I am going to have her skip 3 bottles, so I rescheduled her appointment for their first morning appointment which isn't until April 2nd at 7:30 am, meaning we have to be there at 6:30 am. I'm seriously not a morning person, but I would much rather inconvenience myself than make her go without sustenance for over 12 hours. In a way, I am glad it was delayed because I was having a lot of panicky feelings about it and although I want to get answers to her problem, I wasn't ready to deal with it yet. This will give me a little more time to pray and wrap my head around everything.

Oh yeah, I got that "fancy pants" cell phone I told you about and I absolutely despise it with all my might, mind, and strength. I hate every molecule of its being. I should have known better than to get my hopes up about anything that runs with Microsoft Windows. This post is negative enough without explaining every detail of my remorse for buying this phone. Suffice it to say, I do not recommend the LG Incite to anyone but my worst enemies and will be returning it with great haste.

So now my stress list looks something like this-

1. Waiting for my boss Gary to talk to my boss Liz about me switching to part time, which has been complicated by the fact that Liz is in the midst of a massive project that requires all my time and then some and she would certainly say no to me working part time if asked in the middle of this project. Secondly, it is complicated by the fact that our office is moving in 2 weeks and all of the work that goes along with that. I am trying to give the appearance that I can easily take care of my workload every day, but I have my entire desk covered with projects, a 6 foot table set up in my office covered with projects, and a whole other desk covered with projects. They need a second me working here, not a half of me, and I really don't want to end up looking for a job right now and mentally/physically can't keep working full time and trying to be a mom too. Plus, my mom needs to get a real job and won't be able to watch Keira all day any more so I need to be home to watch her.

2. My husband's deathly illness and the fact that he is racking up "points" for missing work when he is supposed to be interviewing for PIC this month. If I am going to be working less, I need him to be making more.

3. Keira's suspected spinal cord defect and subsequent surgery and the costs and consequences relating thereto. I can't even begin to explain how scary this is to me.

4. Working with my attorney to draw up an offer for my orthodontist to sever my contract and walk away from the $1,000 that I owe them in agreement that I won't sue their pants off. First I have to find another orthodontist to finish my treatment and none of them will even give me a price without seeing me first. I can only make phone calls to orthodontists during business hours and I am too swamped at work to be making personal calls all day, let alone going to several evaluation appointments during business hours.

5. Moving out of my aggravatingly small apartment to one with a room for Keira and a WASHER AND DRYER. This will involve replacing the carpet and baseboards in my living room in hopes to retrieve our deposit instead of owing more.

6. Getting air conditioning installed in my car before it gets hot. Never again will I endure a Fresno summer in a black car with no AC. I don't know how I survived it, especially being pregnant.

7. Returning my POS cell phone and figuring out a different one that I want.

8. Giving Bunny some attention before he commits little bunny suicide. He is already injuring himself by hurling his tiny mass against the front of the cage.

9. Getting a handle on the mountain of laundry and rampant mess in my house and getting dinner on the table every day.

10. My health. I am scared to death that I will get the virus that Art has... or that the baby will. Ever since late in my pregnancy I have had a single vertebra in my lower back that is super painful to the touch and hurts when I bend forward. I really need to find time to go to the doctor and investigate it, but haven't had the time. I'm a little freaked out because the closest thing to what I have that I researched online is spinal fractures- although that's probably not what it is. It's probably just out of alignment. Also my OBGYN has been blowing up my phone for me to come in for another procedure and I don't have the time for that either.

11. Spoon feeding. I feel like a horrible mother because I am supposed to be spoon feeding Keira twice a day and the thought of adding one more thing on my to-do list of things that I already can't accomplish is overwhelming beyond description. I hate that I am so overloaded that I can't even do what's necessary for my own baby.

I am still struggling desperately under the weight of all this stress. I feel this crazy tight feeling in my chest like I can't breathe. Every day I come home and cry because I know I don't have the time, energy, or ability to do everything required of me in the 2.5-3 hour window alloted- most of which is consumed by taking care of Keira. And now, instead of Art being able to help, I have to take care of him too. I constantly have crazy thoughts running through my head like I can't do this. I'm failing. What am I going to do? I am trying my best to corral those thoughts and count my blessings, but I haven't had much success yet. If my stress level was converted into a fever, I'd be running about 104.7 too.