Twenty Three

My birthday is nearly upon us and I will be the ripe old age of twenty three. I always have grand and adventurous ideas of what I want to do for my birthday and usually just end up going out to dinner because I can't afford to leave town. So if I'm going to be stuck in town, I would rather be stuck with my friends and family than anyone else. Therefore...


We might even watch a movie at my house depending on how Keira feels by that time of the evening. She has been sick with a cold this week and by about 7:30 pm she gets pretty upset. It's especially awful hearing her cry since she is always so happy. I know she really doesn't feel good. Knowing my luck, or obvious lack thereof, I will probably have caught her cold by my birthday. In that case, the movie will certainly be out the window. We'll have to play it by ear.

Please let me know if you can make it to dinner so I can reserve your seat and if you can't make it to dinner, you're still welcome to drop in for cake!

A Taste of Success

I am beginning to understand exactly what motherhood does to your brain. A couple days ago, I was getting ready for work and somehow I forgot to rinse the conditioner out of my hair when I took my shower. Of course I didn't realize the unfortunate state of my hair until it was too late to correct the situation. I had to spend an entire day with hair that felt like it had lotion smothered in it. I am generally a very negative person and tend to see the cup as half empty, but I tried to be positive and think of it as an involuntary deep conditioning.

My mom and I have been trying to get Keira to eat rice cereal and baby food and our attempts had all been unfruitful. She would not open her mouth for the spoon and would try to hit it away from her. I even tried giving her baby food bananas and still still wasn't having it. Yesterday my mom tried giving Keira some sweet potatoes and she tasted success at last! She loved those sweet potatoes. She smiled, laughed, and made raspberries the whole time. Her desire for sweet potatoes was so great that she kept grabbing my mom's hands to pull the spoon closer and even wrapped her monkey legs around my moms arm pull it in. Who would have guessed she would prefer veggies over fruit? She definitely didn't get that from me! My mom took a video and pictures of her enthusiastic enjoyment of sweet potatoes.

Yesterday was Keira's 5 month mark and I was way too tired and it was way too late to get her dressed up for pictures, but she was in desperate need of a bath after the mess she made with the sweet potatoes, so I gave her a bath and wrapped her up in the blanket my mom made her. See how curly her hair is when it's wet? I find myself tempted to put mousse in it.

"Baby"

Every day that Art and I have to work, my mom picks up Keira from my house. This is always a time of heartbreak for Art and a time of guilt for my mom. She feels bad every time she takes the baby, because it makes Art so sad. Sometimes when my mom arrives, Art decides Keira "needs her diaper changed" and slips into the bedroom where he drags his feet as much as possible to delay having to part with his beloved Baby.

To take the edge off the pain, Art has made use of a stuffed animal ladybug as a stand in. I come home for lunch whenever possible and have seen "Baby" tucked in the bassinet, cuddled up watching TV, laying on the Boppy pillow, and playing in the bouncer. Today when I came home for lunch, this is the scene I encountered.


This is "Baby" playing video games with Daddy. The funniest part about it is he doesn't stage the stuffed animal just to be silly- he does it because he seriously misses the baby and wants to be with her all the time.

What a lucky girl to have a daddy who has loved her so much since the day she was born. They are absolutely inseparable.

Maybe

6 days of misery and Art has finally had a fever-free night. What a blessing. He is still pretty sick but looking much better. I am totally shaken today after reading my friend Kari's blog about her husband's friend in the marines who died of meningitis after being misdiagnosed with an ear infection. That is exactly what Art was diagnosed with before he found out he had a nasty virus. I had researched the symptoms of meningitis since I knew it was going around and I asked him on a daily basis if he had any of the symptoms. It is absolutely frightening. If a baby gets it they will be brain dead in 6 hours and dead dead in 24 hours.

When I heard about this poor friend of a friend who left behind a wife and family, I couldn't help but think that could have happened to me. You just never know what tomorrow has in store and you never know when you might be called home. As hard as life is for me right now, I can't forget that I am blessed because I still have loved ones here today to share my life with. I am blessed with the knowledge that if I am faithful, God will provide for me.

Maybe I have to work too many hours, but at least I'm employed.

Maybe my house is too small for my needs, but I'm not in need of shelter.

Maybe my husband is deathly ill, but he is not dead.

Maybe Keira has an imperfection, but she is perfect and will be healed.

Maybe I feel alone, but God will never leave me alone.

Maybe I feel weak, but I am strong as stone.

When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed, when you are discouraged thinking all is lost, count your many blessings name them one by one and it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care? Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear? Count your many blessings every doubt will fly and you will be singing as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold, think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold. Count your many blessings money cannot buy; your reward in heaven nor your home on high.

So, amid the conflict whether great or small, do not be discouraged God is over all. Count your many blessings angels will attend. Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.

104.7

My poor husband has been on his death bed with a nasty virus for the past 6 days. He has had a fever non-stop for the entire duration which has reached as high as 104.7 degrees which is just around the point of bodily injury and hospitalization. He has not moved from the couch except to pee for the whole week and has not had the strength to bathe in at least 2 days. He can only summon up enough energy to eat once a day, if I force him to. He is too sick to form sentences and take medicine by himself. He is not allowed to touch the baby, which is breaking his heart. He has never been this sick in his entire life. It's awful... truly awful.

I called Valley Childrens Hospital to get their pre-MRI instructions and they told me that Keira couldn't have a bottle after midnight, when the last person I talked to said nothing after 8 hours before her appointment which would have meant she could have a bottle at 4 am. I told them there is no way I am going to have her skip 3 bottles, so I rescheduled her appointment for their first morning appointment which isn't until April 2nd at 7:30 am, meaning we have to be there at 6:30 am. I'm seriously not a morning person, but I would much rather inconvenience myself than make her go without sustenance for over 12 hours. In a way, I am glad it was delayed because I was having a lot of panicky feelings about it and although I want to get answers to her problem, I wasn't ready to deal with it yet. This will give me a little more time to pray and wrap my head around everything.

Oh yeah, I got that "fancy pants" cell phone I told you about and I absolutely despise it with all my might, mind, and strength. I hate every molecule of its being. I should have known better than to get my hopes up about anything that runs with Microsoft Windows. This post is negative enough without explaining every detail of my remorse for buying this phone. Suffice it to say, I do not recommend the LG Incite to anyone but my worst enemies and will be returning it with great haste.

So now my stress list looks something like this-

1. Waiting for my boss Gary to talk to my boss Liz about me switching to part time, which has been complicated by the fact that Liz is in the midst of a massive project that requires all my time and then some and she would certainly say no to me working part time if asked in the middle of this project. Secondly, it is complicated by the fact that our office is moving in 2 weeks and all of the work that goes along with that. I am trying to give the appearance that I can easily take care of my workload every day, but I have my entire desk covered with projects, a 6 foot table set up in my office covered with projects, and a whole other desk covered with projects. They need a second me working here, not a half of me, and I really don't want to end up looking for a job right now and mentally/physically can't keep working full time and trying to be a mom too. Plus, my mom needs to get a real job and won't be able to watch Keira all day any more so I need to be home to watch her.

2. My husband's deathly illness and the fact that he is racking up "points" for missing work when he is supposed to be interviewing for PIC this month. If I am going to be working less, I need him to be making more.

3. Keira's suspected spinal cord defect and subsequent surgery and the costs and consequences relating thereto. I can't even begin to explain how scary this is to me.

4. Working with my attorney to draw up an offer for my orthodontist to sever my contract and walk away from the $1,000 that I owe them in agreement that I won't sue their pants off. First I have to find another orthodontist to finish my treatment and none of them will even give me a price without seeing me first. I can only make phone calls to orthodontists during business hours and I am too swamped at work to be making personal calls all day, let alone going to several evaluation appointments during business hours.

5. Moving out of my aggravatingly small apartment to one with a room for Keira and a WASHER AND DRYER. This will involve replacing the carpet and baseboards in my living room in hopes to retrieve our deposit instead of owing more.

6. Getting air conditioning installed in my car before it gets hot. Never again will I endure a Fresno summer in a black car with no AC. I don't know how I survived it, especially being pregnant.

7. Returning my POS cell phone and figuring out a different one that I want.

8. Giving Bunny some attention before he commits little bunny suicide. He is already injuring himself by hurling his tiny mass against the front of the cage.

9. Getting a handle on the mountain of laundry and rampant mess in my house and getting dinner on the table every day.

10. My health. I am scared to death that I will get the virus that Art has... or that the baby will. Ever since late in my pregnancy I have had a single vertebra in my lower back that is super painful to the touch and hurts when I bend forward. I really need to find time to go to the doctor and investigate it, but haven't had the time. I'm a little freaked out because the closest thing to what I have that I researched online is spinal fractures- although that's probably not what it is. It's probably just out of alignment. Also my OBGYN has been blowing up my phone for me to come in for another procedure and I don't have the time for that either.

11. Spoon feeding. I feel like a horrible mother because I am supposed to be spoon feeding Keira twice a day and the thought of adding one more thing on my to-do list of things that I already can't accomplish is overwhelming beyond description. I hate that I am so overloaded that I can't even do what's necessary for my own baby.

I am still struggling desperately under the weight of all this stress. I feel this crazy tight feeling in my chest like I can't breathe. Every day I come home and cry because I know I don't have the time, energy, or ability to do everything required of me in the 2.5-3 hour window alloted- most of which is consumed by taking care of Keira. And now, instead of Art being able to help, I have to take care of him too. I constantly have crazy thoughts running through my head like I can't do this. I'm failing. What am I going to do? I am trying my best to corral those thoughts and count my blessings, but I haven't had much success yet. If my stress level was converted into a fever, I'd be running about 104.7 too.

Life Giving Light

Art and I are beginning to believe that Keira is part monkey, because she is always trying to do new things with her feet. She uses them more than her hands. She has been a kicker since the day she was conceived and has never stopped since. Her feet are always moving! Recently, she learned how to make herself bounce in the bouncer by kicking one foot in the air over and over. Today she learned how to kick the toys on her bouncer. Then this afternoon, she was playing on her rainforest gym and lifted her feet all the way over her head to kick her jingly toy.

She is crazy with those feet! You would never guess she had any problem with her spinal cord! I found out her MRI is scheduled for Tuesday, March 17th at noon at Children's Hospital. I knew they would have to sedate her for the scan since babies can't hold still long enough to complete it, but I didn't connect that to the fact that she wouldn't be able to eat for 8 hours before hand just like anyone else. They said all she can have is pedialite 4 hours before her appointment. I am NOT looking forward to making her go that long without eating, especially since we are used to feeding her the moment she indicates she is hungry. My mom and Art told me I will probably be more traumatized by it than her, but I'm STILL not happy about it.

Let's see, besides that... Art has had a fever for the past 2 days. I took him to the doctor today and they told him he has an ear infection which is strange because he didn't have any complaints about his ear. As for me, I am fairly healthy physically, but feeling a little unstable mentally. Before I had the baby, I knew that working and having a baby would mean that I had to use "the best of me" at work and the baby and Art would get "the rest of me" but now that it is actually happening, it is much harder to deal with than I thought. Every day I feel like I am failing at SOMETHING. I am having the hardest time just getting dinner on the table every day and am very overwhelmed at the thought of accomplishing more than that. And with all the stress I have in my life right now, I am having a really hard time concentrating at work resulting in a lot of stupid little mistakes- which is frustrating because I am a dang good secretary and my bosses expect perfection from me at all times. Things might be different if my husband and I were on a normal schedule where we were both home in the evenings and together on weekends, but in our current situation I find myself alone most of the time- and I can't do everything alone. I talked to my boss last month about switching to part time, but for a myriad of reasons I don't believe they are going to go for it and the thought of trying to find another job right now that would pay me what I'm making now just compound my stress all the more.

I'm so glad I have an impeccably happy baby or else I would be a very bitter and depressed person. I'm sure God knew that when he sent me her. Keira Evelyn means dark-haired, life-giving light- which describes her in perfection.

Text-less

I have had my cell phone for the better part of 3 years and it just doesn't seem to be pulling its weight any more. Every time I talk to my mom she says I sound like I am underwater and it gets a horrible signal even compared to other phones with the same service. Additionally, it has no idea how to utilize the memory card. It won't save things there and doesn't give you the options of saving things there, so the memory fills up very quickly. I am constantly having to empty my text message archives and every time I want to take a picture or a video, I have to delete something else to make room. Now if you know me, you know I don't want a phone that does too much. All I need it to do is make calls, take pictures and video, and text. I'm pretty easy to please. However, most of the phones available these days do everything short of cooking you breakfast and are quite expensive. I want a phone with a good camera, but all of the basic phones have lousy cameras. The one with the best camera was going to be too expensive.

Art has also had his phone for nearly 3 years and got the itch for a new one then all of the sudden it stopped turning on entirely. It would get to the startup screen and freeze. I have my suspicions that he purposefully sabotaged it so he could get a new phone, but he claims it was just a coincidence. My mom told me how she got her phone at Walmart through AT&T for way less than AT&T charges for the phone so I investigated it as she advised. I checked out their website and it's TOTALLY TRUE! The fancy pants phone I was looking at with the 3 megapixel camera was only $49 instead of $99. That's even less than what I paid for my less than desirable phone long ago. Art got his phone for significantly less as well. Even better, 2 day air mail delivery is free. How cool is that? They even had options to get the phone for free, but then you have to pay more per month for the plan, so it ended up being cheaper just to pay more for the phone and get the cheapest plan. The only downside is that they activate your new phone upon shipment, thus deactivating the phone in your possession. It's strange though, the moment I ordered it, my text messaging stopped working but I can still make phone calls. I imagine that will change any time between... NOW and the next couple days. So, if you text or call me and can't get a hold of me don't go thinking it's because you smell bad- even if you do. I will be text-less and potentially phone-less until Monday or Tuesday.

My Phone and Art's Phone - Aren't they cute together?

Now I will have a fancy pants phone, but I'm not paying an extra $30 a month to utilize all the fancy pants features if it's still not going to cook me breakfast. At least I can take decent pictures with it though. Oh, and it has crazy good talk time and standby time which will be nice.

As for Keira's potential tethered spinal cord, we are still waiting to hear from the pediatrician for an MRI appointment to see what's going on in there. Thank you to everyone who has prayed for us at this stressful time. We had a family fast for Keira this Sunday and even though Art thought he was going to starve to death, we felt a lot of peace about it. I know that one way or another, everything is going to turn out ok in the end. I will certainly let everyone know as soon as we get the MRI scheduled and get the results back.

As a continuation of my previous post about the conflict with my orthodontist, to make an entirely long and bloody story short- by the end of that day I had to threaten to take them to court and remove myself as their patient. They are claiming that I will owe them way more money if I stop treatment early and go somewhere else, which is totally untrue, so I am consulting with an attorney to draw up an agreement that if they let me out of my contract and settle for what I have already paid them, I won't sue their pants off for everything they did to me. Sounds like a good offer for both of us at this point, so I am hoping they are smart enough to take it. The trouble I am facing now is finding another orthodontist to finish out these last couple months on my braces. I learned that not all orthodontists use the same braces and tools so no one will even give me a ball park price over the phone since they need to see me first. It just sucks so bad that they couldn't have just resolved the issue like reasonable human beings and stuck it out for the next couple months until I get my braces off! That pretty much sums up my lack of luck in life. Sometimes I feel like the world is taking a big dump on me.

Lastly, it has come to my attention that I have made no mention anywhere about the fact that my younger brother Kyle is serving a mission in Canada, specifically Montreal, Quebec, speaking Canadian French and he has been gone since November 5th. I feel like a horrible sister for not having acknowledged this fact in any way, so to make up for my poor sisterly-ness I have prepared a blog in his honor for all of his mission letters, pictures, video, etc. The link can be found to the right under Friends and Websites. He sends letters every Monday and I update it accordingly. Please feel free to check it out from time to time and share it with anyone who may be interested in Kyle's adventures in Canada.