Advice Givers and Vicarious Livers

My friend Lisa warned me that I shouldn’t tell people that I’m pregnant because it would result in a flood of unwelcome advice, but at the time I didn’t think it would bother me. The very same day I was eating at Taco Bell with my “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” book on the table next to me which immediately invoked an entire life story from a random old lady. Note to self: do not carry pregnancy books around.

It wasn’t long afterward that I announced to my office that I am expecting. It was surprising how quickly I came to regret this decision, mostly based on the criticism of one co-worker in particular who I often refer to as Tubby due to her excess weight and vertical insufficiency. This woman constantly criticizes everything I eat or do not eat and has no dam to her flow of ridiculous advice. To make things worse, she wishes she could have another baby and thus lives “vicariously” through me. That’s the most irritating combination of personalities conceivable- all bundled up in one tubby mass of a co-worker. It is very challenging to tolerate the advice givers and vicarious livers given the PMS-like irritability that often comes with pregnancy. Note to self: bite your tongue.

Tubby says, “Oh no, you can’t just have a tiny yogurt for breakfast any more. You have to eat a yogurt AND oatmeal AND a glass of milk AND…” Tubby says, “Krysta needs to eat THREE bowls of ice cream.” Tubby says, “You can’t get your nails done any more.” Tubby says, “Oh no, you can’t eat salt any more. You’ll retain water.” I told Tubby “I DON’T CARE.” One day I ate a sandwich and Wheat Thins for lunch and Tubby says, “WHEAT THINS!? Is that all you had for lunch???” I said, “Um NO.” Tubby replies, “Then what DID you have for lunch???” OMG… I don’t think I can put up with her through October. Then this morning I was drinking a bottle of water at my desk and Tubby says, “Oh! I thought you were drinking a soda for a second there.” I told her I had been drinking Sprite for breakfast a lot lately because it helps my stomach and she says, “Oh no, you shouldn’t be drinking soda. All that sugar isn’t good for the baby.” I have yet to figure out why she thinks it would be ok for me to stuff my face and eat three bowls of ice cream, but that a can of Sprite is bad for me. She eats fast food 3 times a day, but feels like she can tell me how to eat. Note to self: hire a hit man.

Consider yourself warned that no, I do not want your advice, and no, you are not allowed to live vicariously through me. Keep your mouth closed, have your own baby, or get over it! Of course, I mean that in the most loving way possible. Rest assured, I am reading books, seeing my doctor, taking my vitamins, taking care of myself, and even saying my prayers. If anything goes wrong (heaven forbid) I seriously doubt it will be due to my sodium intake, or the fact that I get my nails done. Note to self: next time take Lisa’s advice.